Never, never, never give up

I can honestly say I have witnessed a miracle because I didn't give up on a friend. There were times, because of his drug use, I thought he would die in my arms or next to me as we slept.
I never knew if I would wake up the next day and find him dead.

But in all actuality he really was dead; for the wages of sin is death. Romans 6:23

I prayed to the God I thought I knew, over and over and finally one beautiful day the God of  "Before Abraham was - I AM" answered.

I will explain the miracle that is Timmy but before I do that, I would like to Share a journal entry of mine from a little over 3 years ago: names are changed to protect the innocent, but Timmy's name won't change -- He is the miracle in the story after-all.
 
This journal entry of mine is very personal but I have found that when you share personal things with the people of the world, they feel closer to you and sometimes, they even relate.

These words are my diary screaming out loud.- anna nalick

Dear Stars,                                 2/28/08

I've been wondering since I met Timmy; why he came into my life -- Why did I attract him to me? 

Tonight - I saw the stark realization of that question being answered.

I found out whole-heartedly that Timmy is in my life because he is just as broken as I am. 

The only thing both of us ever wanted is forgiveness. 

I want my ex to forgive me. I just want him to say "Annie, you are a fellow human being - you hurt me - but I forgive you." Just as Timmy wants his wife to forgive him. We broke ourselves and want someone that loves us to put us back together.

I believe I have forgiven myself... I know what I have done. I have lived with this pain since I self sabotaged myself and killed the very thing I loved more than anything - yet the pain hasn't gone away. Maybe I don't know how to forgive myself.

This loss and pain has molded every step I have taken since the day I gave myself to another man. As soon as I did -- guilt set in. Self hatred, self torture, realizing how rotten I really was to the core of my being. How could I ever look him in the eyes again? I never looked at him innocently again. They way I did when we first fell in love. 

I proved to him, myself, and the world that I didn't deserve his sweet hearted love. Even now proves it - I didn't. 

Why, when and where was it that I realized that I didn't deserve love? Because I don't know and I can't place it. Is it my father I need to forgive? How far back does this chain go? Is it my grandfather? My great grandfather? Where does this "you are not lovable" cycle start? 

And not just that -- more importantly -- where does it end? With me? How do I change this?

God, I need your help.

I have freewill - my soul is begging you for guidance -
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

How do I get to forgiveness?

Or, how do I get past the forgiveness that may very well never come?

These questions are the root of it all. The root of my ever winding - upward - downward - spiral.

I give thanks and gratitude in advance for you giving me these answers - whether it be in life circumstances. events or any other outlet to which you - Almighty Power - comes from.

I am also, so grateful for Timmy. He is broken, but I can see his light... maybe his light is what I know I also have in myself - because honestly - that light in me left. But to have Timmy here, knowing, understanding and loving me as much as a broken shell possible can, helps. 

God, may you give us both forgiveness. 

- Annie

Now when I say, the Lord listens to every prayer, I mean it.  He not only listens when we cry out to Him he keeps our tears in a bottle. He will answer in seconds, days, weeks, months or in this case years, but he does answer. 

With Timmy things got worse at first, not better. He became not only a broken shell in my presence, but also a heroin addict. He was shooting up at all times of the day and night and then he would try to get off of it, and the sickness would take him for days. I was with him through it almost every time, so he knew someone cared, someone was by his side. I stood loyally by my friend because I knew that light inside him, it was getting dimmer but it was still there. I recognized it from when I was a little girl. You see, back then, I knew Jesus. I had that childlike faith. Timmy did too when he was a little boy, but the darkness of the world had taken Jesus light inside us and put massive amounts of darkness around it. Our hearts were so hardened, we didn't see anything outside of ourselves and our own selfish pain.

All of that has changed now --  I have never seen the Lord make a miracle out of a life like I've seen Him breath life into Timothy's. He is now a slave to Christ and has been clean for almost 18 months. He and I both found the Lord since this journal entry and because of finding the Lord, we found the light that was inside of us and today this Jesus light shines brighter than I would have ever imagined.

Oh and forgiveness?! Yeah that came in His wounds. It actually started all the way back with Adam and it ended on a cross where Jesus died for all of the rotten, hardened hearts, and unforgiving people, all the sin in this world that makes it dark and negative. Now we live life forgiven and with much hope.

I can't wait to see what God does next for both of us.

There is a time for every season and Timmy and I parted ways some time ago. It wasn't as if I gave up on him, I just let God have him, as God needed to save me too. We are apart physically but spiritually we are connected through our Father who art in heaven. I hope and pray for the peace love and joy of one of my dearest friends and that we should be reunited someday in God's perfect timing, and not a second sooner.

I am so glad, from the bottom of my shiny new heart, that I never, never, never gave up.

I've been with you through every hurt and every tear -- in fact I keep every tear you've cried -- That's how much i love you. Now I am just waiting for the day you realize this and love me too. - God

Psalm 56:⁸Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?